Well sweet friends, it's the middle of the night and my Florida is not yet home.
Though he texted me FROM the plane, it had mechanical problems and they weren't able to get another MILAIR or commercial flight to DC today...so alas, no happy reunion for me, yet.
His flight (hopefully!) leaves tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. with a layover in North Carolina before arriving DC after 1:00 p.m.
What a sad panda I am tonight! I nearly burst into tears when I got a text from him nearly an hour after I put up my last post...I just knew it was going to be bad news.
But - this gave me an opportunity to put into effect something I learned from my terrible breakup with Badger: There is no use in getting angry at something that is out of your control.
Let me back up and explain.
See, as you all know, I went to CA in June and came back just before Thanksgiving for the campaign season. I didn't get to see my beloved Badger that entire time. Not once. Towards the end, we were barely even speaking on the phone due to my crazy schedule (or at least that's how I justified it at the time. But I digress...)
I went to AZ to visit my best friend KJ from college for a few days, since it had been nearly 5 years since I'd seen her and I desperately needed some down time after the campaign ended. It was in Arizona that Badger taught me his lesson.
I got into town on Thursday and unfortunately KJ had to work Friday night (poor thing has 2 jobs because she's a high school math teacher and gets paid nothing.) She apologized up and down for ditching me when I was in town, but she really needed the money to help pay for her condo mortgage since she kept having roommate problems. I said not to worry, I would hang out with her puppy (who is an old man doggie now!) Wiley and watch TV. I was ready to absolutely veg out.
Imagine my surprise when Badger called! I was so excited to talk to him because I was coming home in just a few days and I couldn't wait to see him!
And then he dropped the bomb. He got a gig for full pay rate with a great Art Director in NYC...and it was for the exact time I was going to be in DC before he headed back to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.
In retrospect, it was an amazing opportunity for him - he's an independent filmmaker and because he's not in the union he gets the shaft a lot on his pay, and has to work with less-than-awesome people sometimes. But, at the time, I didn't react quite so objectively.
I. Flipped. Out. Big time.
While he had really made me mad a few times on the campaign (not answering his phone, not returning my calls/texts/emails/facebook messages, etc) I absolutely let loose on him, releasing nearly 6 months of pent up anger and frustrations about how he treated me and how he obviously didn't care about me.
It went on for quite a while...and was NOT pretty. Tears and cuss words were involved. It was a cathartic experience for me. I'm not sure however if KJ's neighbors appreciated it...but whatevs.
I was devastated and beyond angry. And he knew it.
That conversation/argument/flip out was the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. He realized that he couldn't be with someone who didn't understand how his life was going to be and wasn't in NYC. Granted, he realized this a loooooooooooooong time before this, but I guess had hoped for the best? Who knows what went on in his head - but this was clearly the final kick he needed to actually do what he knew he wanted to do. He broke up with me one week later.
I've held onto this anger for a very long time, as unhealthy as I know it to be. But, I am still very mad at Badger for what he did and how he treated me. But he taught me a lesson.
I needed to look beyond my own feelings of anger, hurt, and resentment and see the bigger picture. This was a great chance for him and I needed to put my own feelings aside and be supportive, even as hurt as I was. (In theory) he didn't have a choice - he had to take this gig. It was beyond his control.
Now granted, there are several differences between this situation with Badger and this situation with Florida, and I fully realize that. But I think the lesson here is not to diminish the importance of the similarities - both situations left me feeling angry, hurt, and resentful, but both were beyond our control.
So when he texted me earlier today with "Not coming home until tomorrow, baby...," as much as I wanted to respond, "Are you f'ing kidding me? That is such BS I'm so pissed!" and go off on a textual tirade, I simply responded ":( Boo. Are you booked for a flight?"
There was no sense in flipping out - HE did not break the 2 planes and make all the commercial flights fill up so he didn't have to come home. I know he felt awful and was just as disappointed as I was, so why make it worse?
So - I paused, and decided that I was not going to sweat this situation over which neither of us have any control. I was going to roll with the punches and go with the flow.
Now - will I still flip out over things because I'm in a bad mood or because I'm projecting anger? I don't doubt it for one second.
BUT I have learned, from Badger, (and who the heck ever thought I'd be saying that, eh? Not me, that's for sure!) that it is not worth the headache or eventual heartbreak these outbursts can have. I take a deep breath and try to remain positive. At least Florida won't have to wear his flight suit on the plane, he can wear civilian clothes. There is a silver lining to nearly every situation.
So, thank you Badger. You may have caused me heartbreak like I've never known, but you may also have saved me from several more.You taught me the lesson that so many who proceeded you failed to do. You taught me how to breathe, pause, reflect, and proceed. Or, as others have said much more simply and eloquently than I:
image courtesy of www.keepcalmandcarryon.com
Cheers,
Sweet Bea